Mothering Myths - Part I - The Myth of "Me"-Time

One of the most common complaints I hear from mothers is their lack of “me”-time. Weariness sets in and mothers long for an escape…for an hour alone to sleep, read a book, or go shopping without an entourage of strollers, diaper bags, and cranky toddlers. Mothers dream of a long, hot bubble bath without little fists banging on the door, shouting “Mommy! Jeffy spilled juice on the carpet!” They imagine long afternoon naps, uninterrupted by babies crying, clothes dryers buzzing and siblings fighting. After long days and weary nights of meeting physical, emotional and spiritual needs, sometimes for years on end, their hearts cry out, “But what about ME?”

The world’s answer to this problem is to demand our rights. We DESERVE a break, we NEED a nanny or a housekeeper or a more sympathetic husband. We OUGHT to find something that fulfills us, such as an art class or a part-time job or the time away to write a book. Our culture tells us that we couldn’t possibly find fulfillment in something as mundane as mothering, so we need to look elsewhere for our happiness. Probably the most common question I am asked (and decidedly my least favorite) when people hear that I homeschool my children is this: “But when do you have time for yourself?”

I believe that God’s answer to this dilemma is one that turns the world’s wisdom upside-down. Nowhere in Scripture does God tell us to satisfy our own needs or pursue our own desires. Instead, He instructs us to serve with humility and with our whole hearts, and to rely on Him for the strength to do so. Even more powerfully, He gives us an example of what this looks like in His son, Jesus Christ. Mark 10:45 says that “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." The Messiah himself came to earth and served endlessly, purposefully and uncomplainingly. He served when he was tired, when he was grieving, and even just hours before he was facing a horrifying death on a cross.

How did he do this? The Bible tells us that Jesus was fully human, facing all the temptations and limitations of inhabiting an earthly body. How did he keep going, keep meeting needs day after day after day? I believe he was able to do this because he had one goal—that of pleasing his heavenly Father. He drew his strength from God himself, and kept his gaze firmly fixed on his Father instead of firmly fixed on himself and his own needs and desires. The happiest moms I know are those who have fixed their eyes on Jesus. They have resolutely surrendered their own agendas and have invested their whole hearts into serving their families with love and selflessness. On the contrary, the most unsatisfied moms I know are clinging to their own wants and have listened to the world’s messages that tell them they can’t possibly be fulfilled by this role of mothering. They feel empty and unfulfilled and busy their lives with more and more activities, trying to find satisfaction.

Is being a God-focused mom instead of a me-focused mom an easy task? Absolutely not. Have I achieved this myself? Decidedly no. This is a daily battle for every mom—will I live in selfishness or surrender? While surrender is painful, and oftentimes frightening, the fruit is incomparable. When we surrender our will to God’s, He not only provides peace and joy and rest, but the strength to carry on in His power. In Isaiah 1:19, God tells the disobedient Israelites, “If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land”. I believe the same holds true for us as mothers. If we are willing and obedient to the calling God has given us as mothers, we will see the fruit of our wholehearted mothering. A passage that I discovered early in my journey as a mother (and have clung to ever since) is found in Isaiah 58:9-11:

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

I absolutely love this passage. Although it was written by the prophet Isaiah countless years ago, it speaks to the heart of mothering. We are laboring under a yoke of oppression that the world has thrust upon us. We have swallowed the lie that mothering is a menial task instead of a divine calling. We are struggling to keep parenting in our own strength, instead of taking part in the divine power that God offers us freely. This passage teaches us that God is our source of strength and satisfaction and that if we willingly give ourselves to our children (the hungry and oppressed!), He will provide all that we need to flourish like a well-watered garden. Notice that it doesn’t say we will just survive, but that we will flourish!

Am I saying that we never need a break from our task? Of course not. Even Jesus stole away for a few hours of refreshment (and was often interrupted by his needy disciples—sound familiar?). Taking some time out to refresh and restore our souls is vitally important, but we need to make sure we are receiving our refreshment from the right source. Taking the time for a manicure or a girls’ night out can be fun and relaxing, but don’t neglect to spend some time taking in God’s refreshment by reading His word and praying daily. The lover of our souls is the one who knows exactly what we need and is ready and waiting to supply it.

So how about it? Are you willing to try an unconventional approach to mothering? Are you willing to give up the world’s quest for “Me” and devote yourself to loving service to your family? Although it won’t be easy, God promises us that He will provide the strength and joy and peace that we need. When we turn over our rights and desires to God, He promises that He will satisfy our hearts and strengthen our bodies. He will sustain us in those long days and weary nights, and help us to find joy in this season of mothering. Even better, our families will flourish when we are surrendered and are giving to them out of love, not out of obligation or guilt.

“Me”-time is a myth…we will never find satisfaction in feeding our own souls. Only in God can we flourish in this season of mothering and successfully love and train these precious children that have been entrusted to us.

The Aspirin Age

Last weekend, I took my son on a date. While my husband escorted our daughters to the annual “Butterfly Kisses” Dance, Noah and I went to play indoor “glow golf” and feast on hamburgers at a new eating place we had discovered. The golf place was not crowded, so we were taking our time, enjoying our time together and chatting as we played. Pretty soon, another mom and son (whose father was also at the dance with his daughters) came along behind us and quickly caught up to us. We invited them to play through, as they seemed to be in a hurry and we did not wish to be rushed. The mom apologetically said to me, “Sorry, we don’t do anything slowly.” After a few more holes of golf, another family (this time a dad and kids) caught up to us and again, we stepped aside to let them go ahead of us. As soon as one of their party finished the hole, he or she would rush off to the next hole, leaving behind the rest of the family. They rushed from hole to hole in a frenzied race to complete the course. In the time it took my son and me to play the first 27 holes of mini-golf, the other families had finished all 54 holes and left the building. Noah looked at me and said, “We aren’t that slow, are we?”

We talked about how everyone seemed to be in such a hurry. The families who had come to play, ostensibly to spend time together, were rushing to finish without taking time to watch each other golf or to have a conversation. Noah and I were taking our time, but we weren’t dawdling…how could these other families have finished so much faster than we did? And why were they all in such a rush?

This morning in church, our minister talked about how we are living in what some have called “the Aspirin Age”. We are living in a time of tremendous pressures and anxieties, with stress brought on by economic difficulties, strained family relationships and over-packed schedules. He mentioned that the times of walking slowly by babbling brooks or living unhurried, peaceful lives are long gone. We’ve replaced these tranquil times with frenzied activity, rushing from one event to the next. We’ve forgotten how to relax, how to have a Sabbath, and how to spend unhurried time together as families.

Noah and I were saddened by what we saw that afternoon. It felt like watching the world rush by in fast-forward motion while we were playing at regular speed. I think it was eye-opening to both of us as we contemplated what was really important—that for just a couple of hours, we were slowing down and enjoying our time together as mother and son while the world marched on without us. Everything else could wait; for now, nothing was more important than spending time with my boy, who will all too soon be a man with little time for or interest in playing mini-golf with his mother. I refuse to miss out on these precious moments because the world says there are more important things to do…and I hope that my son will look back someday and cherish that afternoon spent slowly playing fifty-four holes of mini-golf.

Where Christmas is Found

I have had many opportunities this last week to observe people as they go about their rituals, getting ready for Christmas. Christmas in America has become a crazy merry-go-round of activity, rushing from store to store and from party to party, standing in long lines at the post office to mail gifts to family and friends far away, and participating in children’s programs, plays and dance recitals. This year has been a small oasis of peace for our family, without all the usual activities of Christmases past. My oldest daughter has graduated out of her choir, reducing the number of Christmas activities for us this year. Our dance studio elected to take this Christmas off, giving us three weeks of no dance classes, and no recital this month. While a part of me is disappointed, as I enjoyed all the concerts and recitals and watching my children perform, another part of me is basking in the slower pace this season.

I started my shopping early this year and have finished up well before Christmas. As I went out today to buy my last gifts, I remembered why I like to shop early—there were people everywhere, grabbing and buying and loudly debating if they had to purchase a gift for so-and-so, and if so, what should that gift be. I heard lots of “oughts” and “shoulds” and saw very little joy on people’s faces as they contemplated those people who should mean the most to them. I heard people worrying about money, and how they would pay for what they were purchasing. I saw teenagers spending hundreds of dollars…on themselves, and rejoicing over the great “stuff” they were getting. I saw men buying bigger and better light displays, presumably to one-up the neighbors. I saw cranky children, pointing and whining, “I want THAT for Christmas”.

Truly, it made me sad. I thought to myself, “This is not Christmas.” I don’t believe that Christmas will be found in crowded shopping malls, busy concerts or elaborate light displays. I don’t believe it will be found in fulfilled wish lists, overstuffed plates or hectic parties. But have I seen Christmas this year? Oh yes, indeed I have.

I saw Christmas today as I went to visit my friend who is patiently caring for her husband, who is suffering with ALS. She cares for all his physical needs (which are not insignificant, being that he is on a ventilator now), patiently sits with him and deciphers his difficult speech, sleeps and eats little, and still finds time and energy to love on her six children.

I saw Christmas the other day when I was listening in on my children playing upstairs and heard my youngest ask her older brother if she could borrow one of his video games. The usual reply is “not right now”, and it caught my ear when I heard, “of course you can…you can use them anytime you want.” My heart smiled as I witnessed the spirit of Christmas invading my home.

I see Christmas every night as my family gathers around our Advent wreath to spend a few moments reflecting on the gift given to us at Christmas by our Heavenly Father. I see it in the wonder on my children’s faces, the sweetness of their prayers, the joy in my heart as we read the Scriptures foretelling Jesus’ birth.

Christmas is found in the most unlikely places. It won’t be found in frenzied shopping malls, harried schedules and raucous parties. It is found in the humblest of circumstances, the most hopeless of situations, and the darkest of nights. Where pain and suffering live, that is where Christmas can be found. Jesus came to bring hope to the hopeless and healing to the hurting. He is right there beside my friend, holding her hand as she holds her husband’s. He is with my children as they learn about the true meaning of Christmas and as their hearts fill with anticipation for the celebration of Jesus’ birth. He is with each of us, no matter our circumstances, as we enter this most holy of seasons…we only have to slow down, open our hearts and witness the miracle of Christmas.

Christmas is for You

Last year, as we entered the busy ten days before Christmas, I recorded what our family calendar included: 2 choir concerts, 1 church rehearsal & program, 2 parties, 3 dance rehearsals, 2 days of dance recitals, not to mention the activities of normal daily life (teaching, cleaning, shopping, etc.). In talking with others, this seems to be the norm, not the exception. December has become such a busy time for most people that it seems to have become impossible to focus on what is truly important and why we celebrate Christmas. It often becomes so busy, noisy, and stressful that the beauty of what we celebrate goes unnoticed. So, fix yourself a cup of tea and join me for a few minutes as we contemplate the true meaning of Christmas.

Do you ever look at others and think, “Well, sure, they can feel all those Christmasy things like peace and joy, but they don’t have MY life. I don’t have time to breathe, let alone contemplate the deep meaning of Christmas!” Or, “My life feels so hopeless right now, how could I possibly feel joy or peace?” If you are feeling any of these things this year, then I’m here to tell you that Christmas is for you.

Think about the Jews living in Jerusalem or Bethlehem 2000 years ago. They were living under Roman rule, subject to unjust laws and taxes and oppression. They were desperately looking for a Messiah to come and rescue them. They were also living in a period of silence. It had been 400 years since a prophet had spoken to them, telling them of a long-anticipated Saviour. Yet still they hoped, believing He would someday come and rescue them. They were expecting a king to come and save them from their misery and hopelessness. They held on to the words of their prophets and put their hope in a Messiah that they earnestly prayed would come soon.

Then one night, a tiny baby is born in the city of Bethlehem, fulfilling all those prophecies of long ago. Into the midst of their darkness came a bright light, keeping God’s promise to His people. Although their Messiah did not come in the way they thought he should (as a conquering king), God fulfilled all their hopes through this baby who would grow up to die on a cross for their sins, bringing them the hope of forgiveness and eternal life.

This baby not only brought the people hope, but joy. In Luke chapter 1, an angel comes to a young woman named Mary, telling her that she will bear a child, conceived by the Holy Spirit. She is an unmarried woman, betrothed to a man named Joseph. In those times, unmarried women who became pregnant were subject to being stoned to death for their sin. How do you think Mary felt? She had to have been incredibly frightened! She was very young, yet she responded with incredible faith and trust in her God, replying with some of the most beautiful words in Scripture, “I am the Lord's servant.” When she visits her relative, Elizabeth, the baby Elizabeth is carrying leaps for joy in her womb at the presence of his Saviour. Mary responds with an amazing song of praise and trust (Luke 1). Now, I don’t know about you, but I would probably not have responded in this way to the news that I was to bear a child, though a virgin! I think I would have been overcome with anxiety over what my people would do to me or think of me. Yet through all this, God gives Mary peace.

This Christmas, do you need joy, or hope, or peace? The good news is this: Jesus came not only to bring these things to the Jews of long ago, but to you today, in whatever circumstances you are facing. He came to earth as an infant, giving up his rightful place in heaven with His father to come just for YOU. He wants you to come to His stable this Christmas and find him, worship Him and let him give you HOPE of a future in heaven with him. He wants to take your burdens and give you peace in exchange, the kind of peace that makes no sense to us, but is very real indeed. He wants to bring you joy in the midst of difficult circumstances, joy in knowing that you belong to Him and that He loves you beyond measure and that He is coming back to take you home with Him. He wants you to celebrate this Advent season by looking not only to the past and His coming to a stable in Bethlehem, but also to the future, and to long for His coming back and to pray for His return. This year, Christmas is for you.