The Gift of Motherhood

When my husband and I first married, we dreamed about what our family would look like someday. We’d talk of little girls to dress in pink, and boys to dress in blue. We agreed that two would be nice, a boy and a girl, or just maybe three…we’d have to see. We decided that in three to five years we’d be ready to start this family that we dreamed of…of course, I meant three years and my husband meant five. When three years rolled around, I decided I was ready to take this next step in our lives and start a family. I talked to my husband and was surprised to find out that he had really meant five years…I couldn’t believe he wasn’t as ready as I was to begin this new journey. So we waited, and we prayed, and we discussed what having a baby would mean to us. And then, one day, while we were on a vacation touring the East Coast, he gave me a card and said…”I’m ready”. My heart was overjoyed, and I immediately began making plans. I couldn’t wait until the day that we found out our wish had come true.

So we waited, and we prayed, and we discussed all the ins and outs of adding a baby to our family. And then we waited some more. And some more. And some more. Suddenly, this dream of having a family seemed a little farther out of reach. I began to cry, every month, when our dream didn’t happen. And I began to resent the hurtful questions thrown at me every time we went to church. “When are you guys going to start a family?” “Hey, you’re getting behind…your brother already has two…Don’t you want to have a baby?” As I pretended to not care, my heart was breaking. My whole life I had dreamed of being a mother. I decided not to go to medical school because I wanted to be a mom. Suddenly, I began to wonder, “Who will I be if I can’t be a mother? It’s all I want…I don’t dream anymore of a big career. I just want a baby to love and raise.” The months went by and nothing happened. Finally, the doctor I was seeing agreed to help us (their policy was you had to wait a whole year before they would intervene). After several more months of treatment, and several more negative pregnancy tests that absolutely broke my heart, and after switching to a much more compassionate doctor, we received the news that, at long last, we were expecting.

The joy that filled my heart was indescribable. I walked around in a daze for several weeks, in absolute disbelief that God had answered our prayers. I remember thanking God over and over again, delighted that we would finally have our family. As the months passed and my belly grew, I laughed in delight at the miracle inside me. And when that amazing day finally came, and my sweet little daughter was placed in my arms, I was absolutely overcome with gratitude toward the God who had allowed me to become a mother. I knew without a doubt, this was the best gift in the world, and I was ready to give everything I had to protect and cherish this tiny little girl named Molly.

I didn’t know if we would ever be able to have another child, but God was gracious to us. Almost four years later, He blessed us with a son, and two years after that, He blessed us again with another daughter. I look at my precious children and I am so thankful. I can’t imagine my life without any of them. Our children are a priceless gift from the Lord and we are humbled that He chose us to raise them.

When I look around at our society, and I see babies discarded as unwanted trash, and children being treated with harshness and impatience by their mothers, my heart grieves. I believe that God views children as a blessing, and we often receive them as a curse. He intended for us to love and cherish these precious little ones, and to honor the role of motherhood. Instead, our society has deceived us into believing that we should value careers and money and possessions over the noble calling of motherhood. We’ve devalued something that God says is beautiful, and elevated worthless things in its place. What a shame…I wonder sometimes what blessings we’ve missed out on because of these choices.

So, this Mother’s Day, I will hold my head high and be proud of the role I have chosen. I will look at my most precious gifts (named Molly, Noah and Lexi), and I will thank my Heavenly Father from the bottom of my heart for the incredible privilege of being their mom. I will also thank Him for the lovely lady that I call “Mom”, and for all that she has taught me about being a godly mother who delights in her children. And I will do my very best to teach my children to embrace God’s view of babies and motherhood and pray that someday, they, too, will accept with joy God’s calling to be parents.

Mothering Myths - Part I - The Myth of "Me"-Time

One of the most common complaints I hear from mothers is their lack of “me”-time. Weariness sets in and mothers long for an escape…for an hour alone to sleep, read a book, or go shopping without an entourage of strollers, diaper bags, and cranky toddlers. Mothers dream of a long, hot bubble bath without little fists banging on the door, shouting “Mommy! Jeffy spilled juice on the carpet!” They imagine long afternoon naps, uninterrupted by babies crying, clothes dryers buzzing and siblings fighting. After long days and weary nights of meeting physical, emotional and spiritual needs, sometimes for years on end, their hearts cry out, “But what about ME?”

The world’s answer to this problem is to demand our rights. We DESERVE a break, we NEED a nanny or a housekeeper or a more sympathetic husband. We OUGHT to find something that fulfills us, such as an art class or a part-time job or the time away to write a book. Our culture tells us that we couldn’t possibly find fulfillment in something as mundane as mothering, so we need to look elsewhere for our happiness. Probably the most common question I am asked (and decidedly my least favorite) when people hear that I homeschool my children is this: “But when do you have time for yourself?”

I believe that God’s answer to this dilemma is one that turns the world’s wisdom upside-down. Nowhere in Scripture does God tell us to satisfy our own needs or pursue our own desires. Instead, He instructs us to serve with humility and with our whole hearts, and to rely on Him for the strength to do so. Even more powerfully, He gives us an example of what this looks like in His son, Jesus Christ. Mark 10:45 says that “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." The Messiah himself came to earth and served endlessly, purposefully and uncomplainingly. He served when he was tired, when he was grieving, and even just hours before he was facing a horrifying death on a cross.

How did he do this? The Bible tells us that Jesus was fully human, facing all the temptations and limitations of inhabiting an earthly body. How did he keep going, keep meeting needs day after day after day? I believe he was able to do this because he had one goal—that of pleasing his heavenly Father. He drew his strength from God himself, and kept his gaze firmly fixed on his Father instead of firmly fixed on himself and his own needs and desires. The happiest moms I know are those who have fixed their eyes on Jesus. They have resolutely surrendered their own agendas and have invested their whole hearts into serving their families with love and selflessness. On the contrary, the most unsatisfied moms I know are clinging to their own wants and have listened to the world’s messages that tell them they can’t possibly be fulfilled by this role of mothering. They feel empty and unfulfilled and busy their lives with more and more activities, trying to find satisfaction.

Is being a God-focused mom instead of a me-focused mom an easy task? Absolutely not. Have I achieved this myself? Decidedly no. This is a daily battle for every mom—will I live in selfishness or surrender? While surrender is painful, and oftentimes frightening, the fruit is incomparable. When we surrender our will to God’s, He not only provides peace and joy and rest, but the strength to carry on in His power. In Isaiah 1:19, God tells the disobedient Israelites, “If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land”. I believe the same holds true for us as mothers. If we are willing and obedient to the calling God has given us as mothers, we will see the fruit of our wholehearted mothering. A passage that I discovered early in my journey as a mother (and have clung to ever since) is found in Isaiah 58:9-11:

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

I absolutely love this passage. Although it was written by the prophet Isaiah countless years ago, it speaks to the heart of mothering. We are laboring under a yoke of oppression that the world has thrust upon us. We have swallowed the lie that mothering is a menial task instead of a divine calling. We are struggling to keep parenting in our own strength, instead of taking part in the divine power that God offers us freely. This passage teaches us that God is our source of strength and satisfaction and that if we willingly give ourselves to our children (the hungry and oppressed!), He will provide all that we need to flourish like a well-watered garden. Notice that it doesn’t say we will just survive, but that we will flourish!

Am I saying that we never need a break from our task? Of course not. Even Jesus stole away for a few hours of refreshment (and was often interrupted by his needy disciples—sound familiar?). Taking some time out to refresh and restore our souls is vitally important, but we need to make sure we are receiving our refreshment from the right source. Taking the time for a manicure or a girls’ night out can be fun and relaxing, but don’t neglect to spend some time taking in God’s refreshment by reading His word and praying daily. The lover of our souls is the one who knows exactly what we need and is ready and waiting to supply it.

So how about it? Are you willing to try an unconventional approach to mothering? Are you willing to give up the world’s quest for “Me” and devote yourself to loving service to your family? Although it won’t be easy, God promises us that He will provide the strength and joy and peace that we need. When we turn over our rights and desires to God, He promises that He will satisfy our hearts and strengthen our bodies. He will sustain us in those long days and weary nights, and help us to find joy in this season of mothering. Even better, our families will flourish when we are surrendered and are giving to them out of love, not out of obligation or guilt.

“Me”-time is a myth…we will never find satisfaction in feeding our own souls. Only in God can we flourish in this season of mothering and successfully love and train these precious children that have been entrusted to us.

Christmas is for You

Last year, as we entered the busy ten days before Christmas, I recorded what our family calendar included: 2 choir concerts, 1 church rehearsal & program, 2 parties, 3 dance rehearsals, 2 days of dance recitals, not to mention the activities of normal daily life (teaching, cleaning, shopping, etc.). In talking with others, this seems to be the norm, not the exception. December has become such a busy time for most people that it seems to have become impossible to focus on what is truly important and why we celebrate Christmas. It often becomes so busy, noisy, and stressful that the beauty of what we celebrate goes unnoticed. So, fix yourself a cup of tea and join me for a few minutes as we contemplate the true meaning of Christmas.

Do you ever look at others and think, “Well, sure, they can feel all those Christmasy things like peace and joy, but they don’t have MY life. I don’t have time to breathe, let alone contemplate the deep meaning of Christmas!” Or, “My life feels so hopeless right now, how could I possibly feel joy or peace?” If you are feeling any of these things this year, then I’m here to tell you that Christmas is for you.

Think about the Jews living in Jerusalem or Bethlehem 2000 years ago. They were living under Roman rule, subject to unjust laws and taxes and oppression. They were desperately looking for a Messiah to come and rescue them. They were also living in a period of silence. It had been 400 years since a prophet had spoken to them, telling them of a long-anticipated Saviour. Yet still they hoped, believing He would someday come and rescue them. They were expecting a king to come and save them from their misery and hopelessness. They held on to the words of their prophets and put their hope in a Messiah that they earnestly prayed would come soon.

Then one night, a tiny baby is born in the city of Bethlehem, fulfilling all those prophecies of long ago. Into the midst of their darkness came a bright light, keeping God’s promise to His people. Although their Messiah did not come in the way they thought he should (as a conquering king), God fulfilled all their hopes through this baby who would grow up to die on a cross for their sins, bringing them the hope of forgiveness and eternal life.

This baby not only brought the people hope, but joy. In Luke chapter 1, an angel comes to a young woman named Mary, telling her that she will bear a child, conceived by the Holy Spirit. She is an unmarried woman, betrothed to a man named Joseph. In those times, unmarried women who became pregnant were subject to being stoned to death for their sin. How do you think Mary felt? She had to have been incredibly frightened! She was very young, yet she responded with incredible faith and trust in her God, replying with some of the most beautiful words in Scripture, “I am the Lord's servant.” When she visits her relative, Elizabeth, the baby Elizabeth is carrying leaps for joy in her womb at the presence of his Saviour. Mary responds with an amazing song of praise and trust (Luke 1). Now, I don’t know about you, but I would probably not have responded in this way to the news that I was to bear a child, though a virgin! I think I would have been overcome with anxiety over what my people would do to me or think of me. Yet through all this, God gives Mary peace.

This Christmas, do you need joy, or hope, or peace? The good news is this: Jesus came not only to bring these things to the Jews of long ago, but to you today, in whatever circumstances you are facing. He came to earth as an infant, giving up his rightful place in heaven with His father to come just for YOU. He wants you to come to His stable this Christmas and find him, worship Him and let him give you HOPE of a future in heaven with him. He wants to take your burdens and give you peace in exchange, the kind of peace that makes no sense to us, but is very real indeed. He wants to bring you joy in the midst of difficult circumstances, joy in knowing that you belong to Him and that He loves you beyond measure and that He is coming back to take you home with Him. He wants you to celebrate this Advent season by looking not only to the past and His coming to a stable in Bethlehem, but also to the future, and to long for His coming back and to pray for His return. This year, Christmas is for you.

The Practice of Thankfulness

One thing I have observed lately is that we seem to have lost something in our society…the art of thankfulness. We live in a country where we are extremely blessed. We have nice houses, plenty to eat and every form of entertainment known to mankind. Yet, if you look around, you’ll see unhappy people, clamoring for more. On a recent trip to a giant shopping mall in another city, we observed all the people, rushing from store to store in pursuit of yet another thing to purchase. In the news recently, there is much talk of how we have to get more money into the hands of the people, so they will purchase more things in order to stimulate the economy. We have entered the season of Christmas, where ads will abound telling us what we have to receive in order to make it a perfect Christmas. It’s all about getting more, more, more. What ever happened to being thankful for what we already have?

One of our primary goals as parents has been to teach our children to be thankful. We have found that this doesn’t seem to come naturally, and requires some concerted effort in imparting this to our children. It also doesn’t seem to be common in our society. From a very young age, we required our children to express their thanks for even simple things. In a restaurant, we taught them to order their own meals politely and then to say thank you when the waiter delivered their food. I can’t tell you how many times waiters have commented on their manners, which always makes me feel somewhat sad. Shouldn’t this be normal and not exceptional behavior? We have also required our children to write their own thank you notes when they receive a gift. We’ve taught them to express their thanks politely when someone does something kind for them, such as holding a door open or blessing them when they sneeze. Now, this act of being thankful is a habit in their lives and doesn’t require reminding. Being consistent in teaching these things when they were small has reaped a harvest of thankfulness in their lives.

How did we teach these things to our children? Mostly, it involves modeling. If your children observe you being thankful for what you have, they will be thankful, too. If they see you expressing yourself in thankfulness, they will be more likely to do so themselves. Occasionally, though, it has required more extreme measures. Once, when my oldest daughter was in first grade and going through a “grumpy” phase, we tired of her constant negative attitude. We began sending her to the bathroom to sing a few rounds of “This is the day that the Lord has made” (loudly!) until she could come out and be thankful. While, at the time, she thought we were being unjust and ridiculous, she still remembers this form of discipline and now laughs about it. On another occasion, our middle child was going through a phase of his own, being unappreciative and grouchy. We presented him with a new notebook and pencil and called it his “thankful” notebook. Whenever he was struggling with his attitude, we would send him to his room with his notebook to make a list of all the things for which he was thankful. We taught the children to take the words of Philippians 4:8 to heart and to think about things that are lovely and honorable instead of dwelling on what is negative.

As we enter into the celebration of Thanksgiving this week, take a look at your family. Are you living in a state of thankfulness or a constant seeking after more? Take the time to sit down as a family and talk about what God has given you and how you can show your thankfulness. Talk to your kids about what our forefathers endured in order to give them this great country that we have the privilege of living in. And instead of just serving up some turkey and mashed potatoes this Thursday, serve up something life-changing…the practice of thankfulness.

A Ray of Sunshine

Nine years ago today, a little piece of sunshine came into my life. Her name is Alexandra Elise, and today is her birthday. Lexi came to us in a little different manner than our other two children. While we experienced infertility the first two times around, Lexi was our surprise blessing from God…a gift to celebrate our tenth anniversary. When my husband announced to me, on our anniversary trip to Hawaii, that he was positive I was pregnant, I just laughed. His proof was that I (an eater with a typically small appetite) was eating everything in sight. At dinner at “Cheeseburger in Paradise” (one of our favorite Maui places), I devoured not only my own ½ pound cheeseburger, but polished off his as well. My excuse was that I was simply enjoying a meal of my own, without sharing with my two small children at home. For those of you who don’t know me, I am a petite person, not accustomed to eating such portions. Alan kept insisting I was pregnant, and I kept laughing.

A couple of weeks later, after returning from Hawaii, I took a pregnancy test and was astounded to confirm that Alan was correct…our third child was due in November of that year. It was such a joy to know that God had blessed us with this child so soon after our decision to just trust him for a third child instead of pursue the medical options again. We quickly settled on the name Lexi (Alexandra for her “full” name) and chose “Elise” for her middle name as a testimony to what God had done (it means “My God is bountiful”). She was born in the middle of the night with her grandma and grandpa and great-grandma in attendance. Lexi was a tiny little thing (6 lb. 15 oz) and was easygoing from the moment she was born. She rarely cried, loved people and smiled all day long.

On our second day in the hospital, the pediatrician came to me and sat down beside my bed. He took my remote and turned off the TV (I remember I was watching “The Waltons” while I ate my dinner) and very reluctantly told me that he had discovered that Lexi had a hole in her heart. He was so apologetic, saying that he didn’t know how he could have missed it on her ultrasound. I remember replying that I was glad he had missed it…they couldn’t have done anything about it, and it would have ruined a very joyful pregnancy with worry. He told me that it was a very large hole, and in a bad place. It was possible, he said, for it to heal on its own, but very unlikely. This meant that our precious, tiny baby would likely require open heart surgery sometime before her 2nd birthday. I looked at her, sleeping peacefully in her bassinette and thought, “How can anything be wrong with her? She’s perfect!” The doctor left with these words, “I know you’re a Christian…you need to get all your friends praying.” So we did.

Two months later, we were scheduled to see the pediatric cardiologist from Denver. Our doctor had been monitoring Lexi’s progress weekly, checking her weight to see if she was thriving. Indeed, she was…she gained weight rapidly, ate well and seemed healthy. The cardiologist listened to her heart, abruptly pulled off his stethoscope and said somewhat gruffly, “What are you people doing here?” I patiently explained her condition and the location and size of the hole. He looked at me like I was stupid and replied, “There’s nothing wrong with this baby…she’s just fine.” I looked to our doctor for confirmation, who donned the stethoscope and confirmed the specialist’s diagnosis. He smiled and nodded and said that the hole in Lexi’s heart was healed. The specialist said that there was no explanation, that sometimes this just happened. We looked at our doctor, who had told us to pray, and smiled. We all knew exactly what the explanation was for Lexi’s healing.

Now that our little bundle of sunshine is nine, you can see that there is nothing wrong with her perfect little heart. She’s a joy, an energetic pixie full of life. She loves to dance (jazz is her favorite), read books, use her vivid imagination in many ways and most of all, to talk. Her quick mind and even quicker wit keep us entertained daily. Her love for God and for other people is something that brings us joy as we watch her mature in her faith. Her sense of humor is exactly what our family needed, as the rest of us tend to take life too seriously. She is a delight and a wonder, a colorful butterfly that flits from room to room, bringing joy into this mom’s life. Thank you, Lord, for your bountiful gift…my daughter, Lexi. Happy birthday, sweetheart…your mommy loves you very much.