Welcome to my musings...

After a 3 year hiatus from blogging (too busy parenting teens to have time to write about it!), I have decided to revive my blog. I look forward to sharing my perspective on mothering as I am at the tail end of my child-raising journey. Nothing could be more beautiful, more full of joy and pain and anguish, than the divine calling of motherhood. I pray my musings will bless you on your own journey, and that you will feel encouraged and equipped!

Monday, January 5, 2009

My Miracle

Fifteen years ago today, I experienced a miracle. After a month of bed rest, weeks of dangerously high blood pressure, and 21 long hours of intense labor (without pain medication), our first child was born. I held her in my arms and studied each little finger and toe, filled with awe at the answer to our prayers. My whole life, I knew I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy, yet that didn’t come easily to me. As the months went by, bringing many anguished tears and desperate prayers, despair filled my heart. Questions tormented me, wondering what my life would hold if I could not be a mother. Thoughtless words spoken in jest by people cut me to the heart every Sunday at church, as one after another asked me why we weren’t having any babies, when my brother and his wife already had two. Finally, the joyful news was given to us that we would indeed…finally…be parents. I think it took days to really sink in and accept that motherhood really was in my future, that God had chosen to bless us with a child.

Just about the time that I grew used to the idea, miscarriage threatened. I couldn’t believe God would let us finally conceive, only to take this child from us. Again, desperate prayers and tears were sent up to heaven. Again, God listened and spared our precious child. After a rocky pregnancy, and a miserable labor, Molly Michele joined our family. I am still filled with an incredible joy when I remember that day, and remember what it felt like to finally hold in my arms the desire of my heart. She was so tiny, and perfect as she looked up at me with eyes full of trust. Alan and I looked at each other as we got ready to take her home from the hospital, thinking, “That’s it? Now we’re supposed to know what to do?” I remember a few days after she was born, I was sitting on the couch holding Molly and talking to my mother when the emotions (and the after-birth hormones!) overwhelmed me. I began weeping and looked at my mother and said with awe, “You really love me, don’t you?” I suddenly understood that mysterious thing called mother-love. She just smiled patiently at me and dried my tears, as she has done for so many years.

And now, seemingly in the blink of an eye, my baby is fifteen and a lovely young lady. I am still in awe of the miracle that has made me her mother, and I delight in watching who she is becoming. When I look at her, I see something beautiful…Jesus, shining in her eyes and in her life. She loves her Lord and follows him unashamedly. I have seen her stand up for her faith, unwavering in her beliefs. At an age where so many young girls are consumed with boys or makeup or texting on their cell phones, I see a quiet maturity. She is comfortable in her own skin, preferring dresses to blue jeans and anything vintage to modern. She cares deeply about the hurting and the lost, and it wounds her to see the world’s expectations of a teen. She refuses to lower her standards in order to fit in, and is resigned to being different than the average teen (see her blog at http://www.molly-nyat.blogspot.com/). When I see her solid convictions and faith, I am filled with joy.

Molly also makes me laugh. For such a serious girl, she has a remarkable sense of humor. While those who don’t know her well would be surprised to hear this (very few people see this side of her), she is one of the funniest people I know. She knows just what to do to make me laugh on a gloomy day, and I absolutely love spending time with her. She may seem quiet and reserved on the outside, but she inherited her father’s sense of humor!

When Molly was a little girl, people often commented that she never walked anywhere…she danced. We joked that she came out dancing! She dreamed of being a ballerina from the time she was barely walking, and I’ve watched her work with determination to reach her goal. This year, she auditioned and was accepted to dance en pointe, fulfilling her dream. When I watch her dance, she absolutely takes my breath away. Watching my precious girl express herself through ballet is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I am convinced that God created this girl to dance.

The biggest reason I wanted to have a daughter someday was so I could carry on the kind of relationship with her that I have always had with my sweet mother. Now that Molly is older, I am experiencing the delightful fruit of that relationship. She is someone I am proud to know, blessed to love, and honored to call my friend. Happy 15th Birthday, sweetheart. I love you and thank God for the privilege of being your mom. Keep dancing, stand strong, and know that I will always love you.

The Dancer

…written for Molly on her 13th birthday, with love from Mom

It doesn’t matter if anyone’s watching,
She dances not for praise
She spins and twirls and bows her head
As the beautiful music plays.

Her hands are clasped in worship
Adoration’s on her face
Her feet have wings to make her fly
Up to a holy place.

This dancer knows the One who sees
Is the Lover of her soul
He gave her life, love, joy and peace
His blood has made her whole.

So now she dances, full of grace
For this One her soul does praise
She’ll bring Him joy with the gift of her heart
As she worships Him all of her days.


Molly said...

Thank you, Mama, for making my day so special! I love you!

Michael G. said...

The gift of Molly was a blessed gift to all of us who know her and who will know her in the future. She is a special young lady, and you are a special mother.